Mental Schitz — the fictional history of Geronimo, Texas
Geronimo, Texas • Est. 1836 • Entirely Fictional
Schitz
A Family History — Mostly True — Definitely Theirs
Geronimo, Guadalupe County, Texas | Population: Schitts, pecans & strong opinions
Unlike nearby Seguin, Geronimo is real and doesn’t need advertising to prove it. The version of Geronimo you’re about to experience is not. But we sure as hell wish it were.
1836 — The Arrival
Dieter Johan Schitt
Bratwurst Merchant • Amateur Baritone • Immigrant of Uncertain Intent
Fled the Old World after a misunderstanding involving a goose, a priest, and the mayor’s daughter. Arrived in Texas by way of Galveston. Upon setting eyes on the fertile plains of San Geronimo Creek, he declared:
“Dieses land ist voller versprechen und blaehungen.
Wir werden hier gedeihen.”
He courted and married Ilsa, a local German girl. Together they built the first Schitt homestead out of limestone, cedar, and reused shipping crates full of schnapps — raising goats, pecans, and hell along with a family. The name “Schitt” quickly became synonymous with two things: unrelenting work ethic and questionable branding choices.
1861–1865 — The War of Northern Aggression (or Whatever)
Wilhelm Schitt
Businessman • Conscientious Neutral • Pickled Egg Magnate
Refused to declare a side during the Civil War and instead ran a brisk business selling pickled eggs and weatherstripping to whomever had the geld for it.
Early 1900s — The Nut Patch
Elmer T. Schitt
Orchardist • Bootlegger • Husband of a Bare-Knuckle Boxer
Planted The Nut Patch, Geronimo’s famous pecan orchard. Known for his legendary two-gallon overalls and his bootleg nut liqueur “Schitt’s Creekwater.” Married Velma Lou Rayburn — Sunday school teacher and bare-knuckle boxer — in what history records as a surprisingly functional arrangement.
1970s–Present — The Unification
Big John “Jack” Schitt
Vietnam Veteran • Bull Fighter* • Part-Time Pentecostal Preacher
*rodeo clown, for those who ain’t from Texas
Came home from Vietnam with a plan. Married Juanita “Nita” Delgado — Mexican-American accordionist and mule racer from Seguin — and unified two cultures under one Schitt-stained banner. Founded the Schitt Family Foundation: allegedly to “clean up our image,” mostly to fund chili cook-offs and questionable tax deductions.
Official family reunion dress code — worn with pride since 1978
Every Schitt male over 18 owns at least one.
MENTAL SCHITZ — THE FICTIONAL HISTORY OF GERONIMO, TEXAS
GERONIMO, TEXAS • EST. 1836 • ENTIRELY FICTIONAL
Mental
Schitz
A FAMILY HISTORY — MOSTLY TRUE — DEFINITELY THEIRS
Geronimo, Guadalupe County, Texas | Population: Schitts, pecans & strong opinions
Unlike nearby Seguin, Geronimo is real and doesn’t need advertising to prove it. The version of Geronimo you’re about to experience is not. But we sure as hell wish it were.
* * *
Dieter Johan Schitt
BRATWURST MERCHANT • AMATEUR BARITONE • IMMIGRANT OF UNCERTAIN INTENT
Fled the Old World after a misunderstanding involving a goose, a priest, and the mayor’s daughter. Arrived in Texas by way of Galveston. Upon setting eyes on the fertile plains of San Geronimo Creek, he declared:
“Dieses land ist voller versprechen und blaehungen. Wir werden hier gedeihen.”
DIETER JOHAN SCHITT, 1836 — LOOSELY: “THIS LAND IS FULL OF PROMISE AND FLATULENCE. WE WILL THRIVE HERE.”
He courted and married Ilsa, a local German girl. Together they built the first Schitt homestead out of limestone, cedar, and reused shipping crates full of schnapps — raising goats, pecans, and hell along with a family. The name “Schitt” quickly became synonymous with two things: unrelenting work ethic and questionable branding choices.
Wilhelm Schitt
BUSINESSMAN • CONSCIENTIOUS NEUTRAL • PICKLED EGG MAGNATE
Refused to declare a side during the Civil War and instead ran a brisk business selling pickled eggs and weatherstripping to whomever had the geld for it.
“Why pick a side when you can sell to everyone and keep the Schitt flowing?”
— WILHELM SCHITT, FAMILY MOTTO, CIRCA 1863
Elmer T. Schitt
ORCHARDIST • BOOTLEGGER • HUSBAND OF A BARE-KNUCKLE BOXER
Planted The Nut Patch, Geronimo’s famous pecan orchard. Known for his legendary two-gallon overalls and his bootleg nut liqueur “Schitt’s Creekwater.” Married Velma Lou Rayburn — Sunday school teacher and bare-knuckle boxer — in what history records as a surprisingly functional arrangement.
Big John “Jack” Schitt
VIETNAM VETERAN • BULL FIGHTER* • PART-TIME PENTECOSTAL PREACHER
*RODEO CLOWN, FOR THOSE WHO AIN’T FROM TEXAS
Came home from Vietnam with a plan. Married Juanita “Nita” Delgado — Mexican-American accordionist and mule racer from Seguin — and unified two cultures under one Schitt-stained banner. Founded the Schitt Family Foundation: allegedly to “clean up our image,” mostly to fund chili cook-offs and questionable tax deductions.
* * *
OFFICIAL FAMILY REUNION DRESS CODE — WORN WITH PRIDE SINCE 1978
KISS THIS SCHITTKISS THIS SCHITTKISS THIS SCHITT
Every Schitt male over 18 owns at least one.
On a first name basis with the sheriff, the judge, the commissioners, and the tax assessor.
Loved. Loathed. Absolutely essential to the cultural, culinary, and chaotic identity of this Geronimo.
Family reunions: equal parts potluck, talent show, and low-key militia muster.
GERONIMO, TEXAS • THE SCHITT FAMILY • EST. 1836 • NONE OF THIS IS REAL